I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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