my phone needs a breathalizer
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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