I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
