I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
