Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
