dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
