ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
