it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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