I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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