I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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