I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
