At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm always down for nudity.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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