That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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