she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
