Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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