If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
