I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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