How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
