Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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