Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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