My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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