Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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