I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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