your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
