I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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