He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
