you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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