my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
