Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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