God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
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I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
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No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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