someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
