He asked to "fluff my boner.."
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
