Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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