If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
