Please, let me fuck your mom
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Drunk is not a location!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
