I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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