I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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