hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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