I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
