Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
