I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
he had hair everywhere except his balls
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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