note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
