And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
