"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
