Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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