Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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