i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
