she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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