this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Floor bacon is actually really good
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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