Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
