Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This toilet bowl is my home.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
