In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My friends, they love my intelligence
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
