I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
