You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
