nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
