I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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