we have pet lesbian snakes
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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