There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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