unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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