Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You ate ashes out of my bong
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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